Back in 2008, I used to be a nice guy. My friends said you have to be an asshole to attract women, you have to be a badass. They were right. Ever since I’ve become an asshole in 2009 I’ve been getting all the girls. From copulating twice a year in 2008, to once every three months in 2009, being an asshole has doubled the frequency of my mating opportunities. Let me tell you how much of an asshole I am now. When I used to go to a bar, I’d ask the bartender for an orange juice. My friends told me to man up, and get some mixed drinks. Well now, that’s exactly what I do. When I go to a bar, I consume 1, maybe even 2 mixed beverages when I’m feeling dangerous. I no longer just drink orange juice, now I mix my orange juice with cranberry juice. As a nice guy, I would never even think about drinking and driving. Now I drink and drive every other trip. For fun I like to drive in the lane parallel to a police cruiser, and then when I’m at a 55 degree angle to the right of the car, I open up a carton of chocolate milk and sip it with a straw. I love the rush of being an asshole. When I’m approaching an intersection, and the light turns amber, I go through it when I’m closer than 15 feet away. I’m dangerous ladies, just how you like it. If I’m out in public with a female companion, I’ll lightly tap her right butt cheek, when given prior consent to do so. Back when I was a nice guy, when I saw a spider wandering around my condo I would let it be, and let it roam freely. Now, as an asshole, I don’t play that way. Now when I see a spider I let it know who’s boss, and I’ll grab a straw so that the spider can climb on it, and then I’ll firmly the spider to the door, let it walk out the door, and then firmly slam the door behind it. As an asshole I now have my choice of bitches, they all flock to me. Although I now have access to female genitals once every three months, I want something more frequent, I want a copulation buddy. I won’t accept any offers for coitus that will have a frequency of less than once every two months. When I say frequent, I mean frequent. I’m not looking for romance, because I’m only going to break your heart. I’m an asshole. My last girlfriend cut out a heart shaped image out of red construction paper last valentines day, and you guessed it, I made a 1 mm incision in it, effectively breaking it. I’m badass, so let’s copulate.